Hearing recovery would be 6 to 12 weeks was incredibly disheartening. I had already gone all the way through first trimester to be told I have another 6 to 12 weeks of feeling crappy and at the end I have nothing to show for it. The promise of a baby is what keeps me going in the first trimester and the last few weeks of pregnancy. This is the day when the emotions began to overwhelm me. This is the day I felt the fullness of what had been lost. Our baby was due around Christmas and I realized that all our thoughts of what the year would be like were taken. Suffice it to say I was heartbroken.
But that wasn't the end of my troubles that day. Our sweet German Shepard puppy who was my pet hadn't been eating the last couple of days. I had gone outside to pet him a couple of times in the midst of all this and could tell something was wrong but my health issues made us overlook his. Well Tuesday I was stable enough for Chris to run him to the vet. I kind of knew he was most likely not going to make it only because I know that most procedures are out of our price range. Turns out he had parvo and the vet's opinion was that he was too far gone to even attempt to treat him. (In hindsight I wonder if that was true, but that's another story) So we made the choice to put him down.
We have 2 dogs, 2 cats, and 13 chickens as pets in our house and the only one that got sick and died was my dog during that week. The other puppy was perfectly healthy. And if we hadn't been distracted by the miscarriage and taken him in early we could have saved his life.
This felt personal.
I wanted to be mad at the Lord. I wanted to blame Him for everything. I could feel the temptation to crawl into the whole of depression with the promise of comfort over it. It looked warm and inviting, I could wallow in my self pity and be comforted by the fact that I was justified for feeling the way I did. But I could also see the cost for that "comfort" would be to admit that the Lord was not good and neither was His plan for me. I sat and looked at the hole in the spirit and considered giving myself to it. I wanted not only the pain of the present to go away but the pain of the whole year. I wanted to escape from it all.
I also knew what was being promised to me was a lie. I realized that if I went into that hole it would be difficult to get out. It was like it was lined with honey and those who tried to climb out were covered in it and struggled. I decided instead to speak truth and seek the Lord for comfort. With my wounds still fresh I declared that I knew His intentions towards me were good. I felt like Job and I realized that there was an attempt to get me to turn away from the one who saves. This realization empowered me. This was an attempt to take me out. But I am not going anywhere. In my pain I put on a worship song that I listened to during my labor with Allison. It is well. For most of the song my heart was so gripped with pain I couldn't sing but only listen. Still fighting bitterness against the Lord I made my mouth open. I made my heart sing. Sobbing and singing I worshiped the Lord for His goodness. I confessed I have no idea why He allowed this pain but that I know He is good. At the end of the song an unbelievable wave of peace and comfort washed over me. I know that sounds cheesy but its the best way to describe it. Like the wave of a contraction but instead a wave of peace.
I still feel the pangs of sadness occasionally when I think I am reminded of what was lost. But I have an immense amount of joy. It still isn't clear to me why it all happened and I may never know the exact reason but what I gained in my steadfastness to the Lord I can honestly say was worth the pain and loss. And maybe that's just simply it. I feel there was a greater purpose but for even that alone, it is well.
Physically I am still recovering from anemia. I am not back to normal yet. I have to sit for most of the day but I am able to take care of the kids while Chris is at work. We are back to our homeschooling schedule. And life is good.
This is so heartbreakingly beautiful. I've faced to that darkness too many times. I started to cheer you on in my mind, as if I were watching my favorite sports team play, when you talked about fighting off the darkness. Those moments will still come but I'll be like your prayer mascot on the sidelines sending up prayers to keep you focused on all that is GOOD AND JUST in HIM! Blessings, sweet friend. And thank you for sharing your beautiful words.